The Shadow and the Yearning

Minutes ago, a thought came into my mind. It was not entirely original; it's actually something that I heard over and over again over the years but it never really sank in. The world is chaotic, many had said and I've heard. Now, this notion hit me minutes ago. Is it really? I understand it might be soothing to blame the world claiming the failure of the "master plan." Escapism has been the way many -including myself- have chosen to deal with a not-so-meaningful world, with its huge and subtle changes, realities and mystries, and even loss and advantage. I remember blaming "life" many times when I had the chance to; crying over a soul lost amid the currents of existence and the threat of an unevitable oblivion of my own physical presence. I remember blaming people, circumstances, world politics and even the state of the worldly affairs for things that came to pass, ironically enough because of my own making. But the notion hit me, right now for no special reason, I realize where I fell and why. How the shadows of my past, the shadows of my fears made me succumb to choosing the easy and on-the-short-run-comfortable way of life. Like the eccentric mystics and drunken sufis, my loss came because I lost contact with the present and was lost in the spiral of my own not-so-wise self. I chose to fledge to my inner self, my utmost inner being; a being who has only seen a past, refuses to live in the present and is as ignorant as I am of what is to come. I fell in a deep well: my own self, right down to my core. The world is not chaotic. I just chose not to delve deeper when the superficialities did not make sense. I chose to hide from a world in the cozy space of self-doubt and fear. For yes, fear is cozy. Because of it, I take no risks and I become a sleeper. Not a witness and not an actor, just a someone who sleeps as the world goes by: master-planned, fair, meaningful and annoyingly beautiful inspite of all its downfalls. --Pakinam Amer